I'm going to veer off topic a bit again (sorry for those looking for debugging stuff, back tomorrow) and talk about a different kind of debugging, trying to figure out why some couples don't work out. I have a theory called "BS Filter Compatibility" that I think explains a lot. Have you ever met a couple that goes to a movie together and one of them thinks it was really deep and powerful and the other one thinks it was fluffy nonsense? To me, those couples never last, or if they do, they aren't ever that happy. The problem is their BS filters are calibrated differently. This ultimately means that one person starts to lose respect for the other, which is death for a relationship.

The origin of the BS filter theory came from stories that I've heard many long-term couples tell about their meeting and initial bonding. For example, my wife and I originally found a connection because we both felt that a student organization that we had both joined independently was totally pointless and overblown (and we quit soon after). We felt like we were the only ones who could see it, and it gave us mutual respect for each other right from the start. Oddly, the only "romantic" movie I've seen play up this angle is Wedding Crashers, specifically the initial wedding scene where the sister-of-the-bride (on the altar as a bridesmaid) can't stop laughing as the bride and groom read their ultra-cheesy wedding vows laden with horrible sailing puns. I loved the fact that Owen Wilson's character basically chooses her at that moment because he realizes that she finds it as ridiculous as he does.

The problem is, how close do people's BS filters really need to be for compatibility. Based on the incredibly unscientific survey of myself and my wife of seven years, I would say you have to see the value in about 75% of things that the other person is interested in, and you can feel smug about the other 25% without things disintegrating. For instance, if I look at our musical tastes, we certainly don't overlap 100%, and very few people do. Instead, we both find common ground in classic soul and rock, 70s disco and funk, hip-hop, and some modern pop music. I enjoy a lot of electronic and indie rock (think Stereolab and Geggy Tah), and modern folk/singersongwriter stuff that she can't stand and lots of jazz to which she is mostly indifferent. She enjoys 80s and 90s punk and other hard rock, and some contemporary rock that I can't stand. However, the 75% of music that we do like in common is enough to always find a mutually agreeable song on the radio, or to put together a mix CD that both can enjoy.

I don't pretend to be an expert, but if you are in a relationship where you just don't feel compatible, it might help to sit down and make short list of music, movies, books, etc that you think are good and meaningful, and think about the same set for your partner. If you find yourself sneering at his or her selections and at the end you only have a few things in common, it might be time to reevaluate.